My only living child, Phoebe, is 10 months old and I don't want her to grow up. I want her to stay just the way she is so that I can protect her. I don't trust the world to keep her safe. She has already been through so much. She had open-surgery at 5 weeks old and another surgery at 8 months old. She is truly a miracle. I love her so much and I am more thankful for her than words can possibly express. But I am selfish and I want another baby. I know that it is impossible for me to have another child but I have not been able to make peace with that reality. I miss my angel babies, Peyton and Kendall so much. Sometimes I don't know if this overwhelming need for another child is really my soul's need to bring Peyton and Kendall back. I still can't think of them without tears in my eyes and a sharp pain in my heart. Everyone told me that time would heal the pain. That was just a lie to keep me from losing my mind. The pain is as fresh today as it was on February 1st 2005 and on September 14, 2006. Somedays it is only Phoebe that gets me through. She is my reason for living. Somedays I still think that all of this is just a dream. No parent should have to bury an infant and I have buried two. My life changed in the instant I lost Peyton and again when I lost Kendall. Before Peyton died I was on top of the world one minute and then... just like that my whole world changed. Everything looked different to me. The trees in my yard that were once so beautiful now, suddenly, looked cold and unfamiliar. Even my husband seemed like a stranger. I am still trying to find my new "normal". There are two parts to my life...before I buried my babies...and after. That separation, that defining moment when my world changed will always be there. I can never get back that blissful naivety but I can't help it. I'll probably spend the rest of my life trying to do exactly that.